Anyway the good coming out of all this horrid sadness is getting to see my sister for the first time in almost 8 months. She's too skinny. Must fatten her up while she's here....
So Gary's funeral was today. It was very hard, but not for the reasons I'd expected. It was really hard seeing Bobbie cry. I think that was the hardest for me. Made me just wanna hold her. It was also really, really hard to see Gary in the coffin. It didn't look like him. He was distorted and waxy looking. And because he was such a smart-ass in real life, part of me kept wondering when he was going to sit up and yell "Gotcha!" Because he so would have done that.
The funeral was pretty terrible. I honestly don't think his family knew him very well. It was very LDS (which he wouldn't have liked, but it comforted his mom, so that was ok) but also, they really snubbed Bobbie. Which she didn't care about much, but he would have been so angry and hurt. Just because his family didn't like her, didn't mean she deserved to be completely cut out of the program, the slideshow etc. It was hurtful to us. We were his family for 7 years... and not a mention beyond a 6 word sentence in the obituary.
It was long and boring... and I kept imagining Gary sitting next to my poking me in the side trying to get me to laugh at the worst moments. Which then, in turn, would make me laugh. I had a complete giggle fit imagining the kind of funeral HE would have liked. A dungeons and dragon's funeral... they'll catch on... just you watch.
All of the speakers kept dancing around the fact that Gary killed himself, which was really lame. Finally the bishop made the final remarks and came right out and said it. It was fantastic. He talked about how it's wrong to take any life, even your own, but that it's not our place to judge him, that's God's place. The he also talked about how family members often feel like blaming themselves, saying "If I'd only..." and said that's not what we should do. God gave us agency for a reason... and Gary made a choice.
The hardest part was watching his sweet daughter cry. Poor lamb. I grew up without a daddy... it will never go away. That hole never goes away... it heals a little and you learn to live around it, but it changes you forever.
Ok this post is enough of a downer, but this being my journal, I really did need to get it all out. I'm glad Bobbie is here until the weekend, and my mom comes home from the Hospital tomorrow (knee surgery) so we'll all be one happy family.
Hope ya'll are doing better than us! :)
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