Sluggy.

I feel like my last few posts have been sad and whiny. I need to buck up I think. I really do love where I work, even if the people are odd and judgey sometimes...

I have a really awesome boss, who not only wholeheartedly supports this surrogacy thing, he's also (finally) taking my want to be an estimator seriously. We had a mini-review and talked about me moving into estimating. He says most likely, we'll get two estimator openings in July and I can apply for one. (Hey Shell or Becca, wanna apply for my job?? I'll seriously recommend you!)

Ben and I had a good talk the other night too, he's agreed to pick up the slack around the house. The midwife and Honey are both adamant about me taking it easy the past week or so. I had some scary contractions Friday night because I was so stressed at work I forgot to drink any water. So Ben has agreed to take up more responsibility around the house for the remainder of the pregnancy, since this one is being much harder on me than the last one was.... Hopefully it gets better soon, because I feel like a total slug... I want to get up and go!

Work has been crazy the last couple of days... I'm covering for one coworker who's on vacation, and the gal that's covering for our other PC is gone most of the week because her mother died. So I have 4 jobs on my shoulders (mine included) No wonder I forgot to drink anything friday!

Ok well this has rambled on long enough I think. I just want ya'll to know I'm bored being forced to rest so much so call or text me please :)

Le sigh

So it's officially not in my head.

If you read my last post you know I've been feeling like I'm being judged... feeling isolated. Well it's really not in my head.

Today I finally brought in my ultrasound pictures. They're almost a week old, I've already told them all it's a boy and I got the perfunctory congrats... I figured who can resist an ultrasound pic, right? I figured they'd be like "Oh cool!"

Well I was wrong. I got walked away from by two girls who I really thought were friends... and the other lady kind of smiled and nodded at the pics and handed them back with very little enthusiasm.

Is it wrong for me to want my coworkers to kind of be interested in my life? I swear I'm not that crazy pregnant woman that that's all she can talk about. In fact I rarely do unless I'm asked about it. But the occasions it does come up its like taboo, change the subject!

Augh. Sorry to rant about this for two posts in a row but I'm seriously starting to feel hurt by the judging. It's sad... and I dunno if I'll be able to be friends with all these ladies once it's over. Talk about true colors.

Now here is the ultrasound pic... Please SOMEBODY ooo and ahhh for me and my friend Honey :)

Warning:

I'm quarantined.

Not because I'm sick. At least, not physically, mentally or medically. I'm a social quarantine. Mask her up, keep her quiet and don't contact. I have a big yellow sign on my door that says stay out... she's different, quirky and, well let's face it, a bit odd.

People are listening too. Especially the coworkers. My desk has one of those bubbles around it with guys in white suits standing guard. No contact. She's strange and different than you. She believes differently, she's opinionated and doesn't go with the flow too well. So just stay away and use hand sanitizer if you have to go near the bubble.

If I really had a bubble around my desk at least it would explain why everyone avoids me all of a sudden. It's not really that overt I guess, but it feels like it. It's bad enough for me to really notice.

Is it the surrogacy thing? I think it must be. It seems like none of the coworkers really want to talk about my pregnancy, and anytime words like "nausea" or "maternity pants" come up they kind of go mum and change the subject. Not only do they NOT want to talk about the "strange" state I'm in, but they also don't know what else to talk to me about... its like this big elephant in the room.

The elephant standing guard at my quarantine bubble.

So I'm starting to feel pretty isolated.  I don't have tons of friends, I've never been that type. Luckily all (3) of my friends are really cool with the preggo thing. Of course I don't have your typical conservative friends. But its easy to start to feel pretty alone when your few friends work like you, your husband works, and all your coworkers are allergic to your weirdness.

Loneliness is miserable.

Mothers

With Mother's day approaching, I feel to the need to talk about the blessing of being a mom, just a little bit.

I am so truly blessed to be a mother. Bekah's been a little person since the day she was born. Instead of looking at lights, or patterns she always wanted to look at your eyes. As soon as she had the strength, she'd hold her head up and away from you. Snuggles were not for her, she wanted to know what was happening.

Now, She's always after attention, and loves laughing with me. She'll find something funny and just laugh her funny little giggle until you can't help but join in. She loves to scare and startle, and loves to be chased. She says things like "You're my best friend, mom." or. "I'm just like momma, we're the same!"

It's strange to know what it's like to put someone before me. To know that my relationship with her father isn't just about him and me, it's about her future too. The perspective on life she gives me is wonderful. I watch everything I say, do and think, because I know she's watching me too. I cry when she mimics my least favorite things, like frustration and yelling. I smile when she puts on my shoes, grabs her purse and tells me: "I go work now, I love you! Be back soon!" Because I know she knows I'll always come back.

I didn't become a mother when I got pregnant, or even when she was born. I remember the moment I truly felt like a mother. (warning, this story is a little bit gross, as it involves poo!)

Bekah was about a week old, and still hadn't pooped. Because of this she was getting more and more jaundice-y. The toxins were building up in her body, and the bili light wasn't helping. I called my doctor and the nurse said I needed to help her poop. I tried everything they told me... I propped her, fed her bits of corn syrup and exercised her little legs, but nothing worked. Finally I was at the last resort... either she pooped or it was enema time.So I did what I had to do to keep that miserable enema from happening. I lubed up a q-tip and laid her on her diaper. We were gonna get this poo out. Finally after about 5 minutes of gentle prodding, she made the funniest face I'd ever seen and bam! Poop.

I know this sounds like the oddest place to feel like a mom, but when she pooped... I cried. I cried and laughed and was so happy. I called my husband and my mom to share my triumph with them. I had helped her. I had made her feel better, all by myself. That was being a mom.

I guess I'm getting reminiscent, because my best friend is about to become a mother. How truly blessed I was to be able to conceive Rebekah so easily and to have an easy pregnancy. Now I am on that journey again but for someone else. Honey cannot conceive children with her husband, and IVF didn't work. She has wanted to be a mother for nearly 10 years and has been denied such a wonderful basic thing. How blessed I am that I can give her this gift... the gift of motherhood.

I know that though I carry this child, it's not mine... and I can't wait for Honey's moment... that moment when she becomes a mom. Hopefully it doesn't involve poop though, because she doesn't have a strong stomache.

This mother's day, I truly have appreciation for the gift that motherhood is, because I have the privelage to help give that gift to someone I dearly love.

I hope you appreciate your gift, all you mom's out there. Because there are so many who would do just about anything for it. :)

Happy Mom's day everyone!